You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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