dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
