One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
