You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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