He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
