She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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