See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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