a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
