scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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