Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
