Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
