i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
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