I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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