I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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