Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
