that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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