Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
