I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
