I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
