also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
