dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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