I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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