I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
