dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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