I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
