Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
