Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
