I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
