why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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