help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
