Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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