grandma shit on top of the toilet
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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