i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
