i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
