apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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