my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
