I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize