he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
