Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
