I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
