I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
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