there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
And then he peed in my hair
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