I'm going to jail i love you
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
