The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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