me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
