they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
