but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
