New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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