I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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