remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize