guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
