One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
