I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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