if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i think my cat just said my name.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
