Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
