sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
