Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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