it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
the raccoons are back...
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