Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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