I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
