This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
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